I told you to stay off the boardwalk.
Okay, boys, let's go.
You, too, off the boardwalk.
Keep going.
Hey, I liked that song.
Keep going, Mom.
- How about this? - Hang on.
I don't see any bogeymen or nasty guys.
Keep going. You want to switch the band?
- Keep going! - Wait. That's from my era!
We're almost there.
What's that smell?
That's the ocean air.
Smells like someone died.
Guys, I know the last year hasn't been easy, but...
I think you're really going to like living in Santa Carla.
There's an amusement park right on the beach.
Sam, tell those kids to get something to eat.
Any jobs around here?
Nothing legal.
Come on, Nanook.
Dad?
Looks like he's dead.
No, he's just a deep sleeper.
If he's dead, can we go back to Phoenix?
Playing dead...
and from what I heard, doing a damn good job of it, too.
This is a pretty cool place.
For The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
Come on, Sam, give Mom a break.
What's wrong with this picture?
There's no TV. Have you seen a TV? I haven't seen a TV.
You know what it means when there's no TV? No MTV.
Sammy, we are flat broke.
Lucy, you're the only woman I ever knew...
who didn't improve her situation by getting divorced.
I know.
But a big legal war wasn't going to improve anybody's situation.
We've all been through enough.
Anyway, I was raised better than that.
Ouch, my hair.
Mom, you gotta help me.
Hey, guys, no running in the house!
Talk about The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
Rules!
We've got some rules around here.
Second shelf is mine.
That's where I keep my root beers and my double-thick Oreo cookies.
Nobody touches the second shelf, but me.
There's another rule around here, and I want you to pay close attention.
Don't touch anything.
Everything is exactly where I want it.
Grandpa...
is it true that Santa Carla's the murder capital of the world?
There are some bad elements around here.
Wait, let me get this straight.
You're telling me we've moved to the murder capital of the world?
Are you serious, Grandpa?
Well, let me put it this way.
If all the corpses buried around here were to stand up all at once...
we'd have one hell of a population problem.
Great, Dad.
Now, on Wednesdays...
when the mailman brings the TV Guide...
sometimes the address label is curled up just a little.
You'll be tempted to tear it off. Don't.
You'll only wind up rippin' the cover and I don't like that.
And stay outta here.
- You have a TV? - No.
I just like to read the TV Guide.
If you read the TV Guide, you don't need a TV.
I can't find my mom.
What's the matter?
Are you lost?
Let's ask in here.
Excuse me, I wonder if you could help us.
This boy is lost and we're wondering if his mother might be in here.
I don't really know.
I was so worried!
Don't run off like that.
There you are.
Thank you.
Bye, Terry.
We only come here to watch one thing.
Well done.
No, thanks.
Well, on second thought....
I told you not to come in here anymore.
Wild kids.
Oh, they're just young. We were that age, too, once.
Only they dress better. Bye-bye.
You have a generous nature. I like that in a person.
- My name is Max. - I'm Lucy.
- That's my dog, Thorn. - Hi, Thorn.
Say "hello", Thorn.
So how may I help you this evening?
We have it all.
The best selection of video tapes in Santa Carla.
No, I'm not looking for a tape.
What I need is...
A job?
a job.
Yeah. I look that needy, huh?
- Where are we going? - Nowhere.
So what's the rush?
You're chasing that girl, aren't you?
Come on, admit it. You're chasing her.
I'm at the mercy of your sex glands.
Don't you have something better to do than follow me around all night?
Actually, I do.
Got a problem guys?
Just scoping your civilian wardrobe.
Pretty cool, huh?
For a fashion victim.
If you're looking for the diet frozen-yogurt bar...
it went out of business last summer.
Actually, I'm looking for Batman, no. 14.
That's a very serious book, man.
Only five in existence.
Four, actually.
I'm always lookin' out for the other three.
You can't put the Superman, no. 77 with the 200s.
They haven't even discovered red kryptonite yet.
And you can't put the no. 98 with the 300s.
Lori Lemaris hasn't even been introduced.
Where the hell are you from? Krypton?
Phoenix, actually.
But, lucky me, we moved...
here.
Take this.
I don't like horror comics.
You'll like this one, Mr. Phoenix.
It could save your life.
Come on, she stiffed ya.
- What was that? - What was what?
- I thought I heard something. - Forget it.
- How do you like that baby? - It's a beauty.
Come on, let's get in.
Can I drive on the way back?
Fat chance. Nobody drives this baby, but me.
We have to let it warm up a little.
Hear that sound? Just like a baby pussycat.
Okay, let's go to town.
Are we having fun, or what?
I thought we were going to town.
That's as close to town as I like to get.
Total weirdo, man.
Noticed anything unusual about Santa Carla yet?
No, it's a pretty cool place.
- If you're a Martian. - Or a vampire.
Are you sniffing old newsprint or something?
You think you really know what's happening here.
Well, I'll tell you something. You don't know shit, buddy.
You think we just work in a comic bookstore for our folks?
Actually, I thought it was a bakery.
This is just our cover.
We're dedicated to a higher purpose.
We're fighters for "Truth...
"Justice, and the American way".
All right.
Read this.
I told you I don't like horror comics.
Think of it more as a survival manual.
There's our number on the back...
and pray you never need to call us.
I'll pray...
l never need to call you.
Sure.
It look's great. Definitely. Enjoy it.
Thanks.
Excuse me.
It won't hurt.
It's a rip-off.
Hi.
If you want your ear pierced, I'll do it.
What's your name?
Star.
Oh, your folks, too, huh?
- What do you mean? - Ex-hippies.
I came this close to being called Moon Beam or Moon Child.
Or something like that.
But Star's great. I like Star.
Me, too.
I'm Michael.
Michael's great. I like Michael.
Want to get something to eat?
Okay.
Where are you going, Star?
For a ride. This is Michael.
Let's go.
Star?
You know where Hudson's Bluff is, overlooking the point?
I can't beat your bike.
You don't have to beat me, Michael.
You just have to try and keep up.
We're going for a ride.
Come on!
Come on, Michael!
- What the hell are you doing? - No!
Just you! Come on!
Just you!
Come on, just you.
How far are you willing to go, Michael?
Hit the rock box, buddy.
Not bad, huh?
This was the hottest resort in Santa Carla about 85 years ago.
Too bad they built it on a fault.
In 1906...
when the big one hit San Francisco...
the ground opened up, and this place took a header...
right into the crack.
Now it's ours.
So, check it out, Mikey.
Marko....
Food.
That's what I love about this place.
You ask, and then you get.
Appetizer?
You'll like it here, Michael.
Ten o'clock. Lights out.
Did you brush your teeth?
Okay, 'night, sweetheart.
Mom?
Sorry.
I can never sleep with the closet door open, either.
Not even a crack.
Sam, this is a terrible thing to admit, but I think that...
one of the reasons I divorced your father...
was because he never believed in the closet monster.
Dad! Don't sneak up on people like that!
Brought you somethin' to dress up your room with, Sam.
How do you like that?
Thanks, Grandpa.
Oh, Dad, really! You shouldn't have!
Lots more where he came from.
- Good night, Sam. - Good night, Grandpa.
Lights, Sam.
As soon as I finish this comic, okay?
You're history, buddy.
Feeding time. Come and get it, boys.
Chinese. Good choice.
Over here, bud.
Guests first.
You don't like rice?
Tell me, Michael, how could a billion Chinese people be wrong?
Come on.
How are those maggots?
Maggots, Michael.
You're eating maggots. How do they taste?
Leave him alone.
Sorry about that.
No hard feelings, huh?
Why don't you try some noodles?
- They're worms. - What do you mean, worms?
Don't eat...
They're only noodles, Michael.
That's enough.
Drink some of this, Michael.
Be one of us.
Don't! You don't have to, Michael.
It's blood.
Yeah, sure.
Bravo!
You were right, Marko.
You're one of us, bud.
Perfect timing.
What's going on?
Michael wants to know "what's going on".
Marko?
"What's going on?"
I don't know.
"What's going on", Paul?
- Who wants to know? - Michael wants to know.
I think we should let Michael know "what's going on".
Marko....
Good night, Michael.
Bombs away.
Bottoms up, man.
Come with us, Michael.
Michael Emerson....
Come on down.
Welcome aboard, Michael.
Fun, huh?
Hold on!
Don't be scared, Michael!
Michael, you're one of us. Let go!
And do what?
You are one of us, Michael.
David!
Mike, wake up.
It's Mom.
- Mom's home? - No, on the phone.
What time is it?
It's two o'clock.
Give me those sunglasses.
You need sunglasses to talk on the phone?
Are you freebasing? lnquiring minds want to know.
- Hello? - Michael, are you still in bed?
No. I'm up.
Michael, would you do me a favor?
Max asked me to go to dinner with him after work tonight.
Would you stay home with Sam?
Sam is old enough to stay by himself.
I don't need no babysitter, Mike.
Michael, you come home in the middle of the night...
you sleep all day.
I work all day. Sam is always alone.
It's been a long time since somebody's asked me out to dinner.
I'd like to go.
Okay?
Okay, Mom.
Thanks, it's a real favor.
Bye-bye.
Anything in here that might pass for after-shave?
How about some Windex, Grandpa?
Yeah, let me try some of that.
Have a big date tonight, Grandpa?
I'm going to drop off some of my handiwork to the "Widow" Johnson.
What'd you stuff for her? Mr. Johnson?
See you two guys later.
That wasn't funny!
I'm gonna make you a sandwich.
Don't bother.
Lose the earring, Michael. It's not you. It's definitely not you.
Piss off.
All you do is give attitude lately.
You've been watching too much Dynasty.
Mike, don't open the door!
What's going on, Mike?
Go take your bath.
Michael, are you there?
Nanook?
Michael, what happened?
- Nanook... - What about Nanook?
What did you do to my dog, asshole?
Nothing. I didn't hurt him. He bit me. This is my blood.
Why did he bite you, huh?
What did you do to him?
He was protecting you.
Look at your reflection in the mirror.
You're a creature of the night.
Just like out of a comic book.
You're a vampire, Michael!
My own brother, a goddamn, shit-sucking vampire!
Wait till Mom finds out!
Sammy, wait! Sam!
- Stay back! - Just let me talk...
Wait a minute! Sam!
Stay away from me, Mike!
You did the right thing by calling us.
Does your brother sleep a lot?
Yeah, all day.
Does the sunlight freak him out?
He wears sunglasses in the house.
Bad breath? Long fingernails?
Yeah, his fingernails are a bit longer....
He always had bad breath, though.
He's a vampire all right.
Here's what you do.
Get yourself a good sharp stake...
and drive it through his heart.
I can't do that! He's my brother!
Okay, we'll come over and do it for you.
No!
You better get yourself a garlic T-shirt, buddy.
Or it's your funeral.
Hello.
Sam, is everything all right?
Mom, I think we have to have a real long talk about something.
Help!
What's going on there? Sam, I'm starting to get worried.
What are you doing? ls that Michael? Who's breathing like that?
- We should stay calm. - Calm? Calm about what?
- Nothing, nothing. - Who's making that noise?
Mom, I can't talk on the phone. It's about Michael.
Don't listen to him, Mom. He doesn't know what he's saying.
Shut up!
Mom! Help! He's coming to get me!
Oh, my God!
He'll kill me!
Honey, I'm coming.
Tell him to get away! No! Mom!
Open up!
Stay back!
Sammy, help me! Open up!
Help me!
Sammy, open the window!
Never! I knew it!
I'm not!
So what are you, the "flying nun"?
I'm your brother, Sammy. Help me!
Sammy, open up!
Please?
Please!
Thanks.
We've got to stick together, Sam.
What about Mom?
Just don't tell her anything.
I don't know, Mike. It's not like getting a "D" in school.
We're gonna work this out.
I'm gonna work this out. Trust me, okay?
Sam, are you all right?
You had me scared to death.
I'm okay. I was reading a horror comic.
I thought I saw someone on my window, but I guess I got carried away.
You got carried away by a comic book?
It was a scary comic book, Mom. I'm sorry.
You know, I've just about had it with the both of you.
What is this mess?
You spill milk on the kitchen floor and don't even bother to clean it up?
I didn't spill it.
I can't believe you. The refrigerator door's wide open!
Are you trying to refrigerate the whole neighborhood?
You know, it's not fair. I'd like to have a personal life, too.
Where's Michael?
He went to bed early.
Mom? Can I sleep in here with you tonight?
In here? Are you sure you're all right?
I'm fine. It was a real scary comic, that's all.
- Do you mind? - No, I don't mind.
Have you been eating pizza?
No. Why?
You smell like garlic.
Who's there?
Hello, Thorn.
Is that you, Thorn, making all that noise?